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Need thoughts on this section

Okay so in this scene Emma and Roland have been preparing for the big dinner all night, any thoughts are greatly appreciated!

“Ms. Emily, you’ve been asked to make an appearance after dessert to show your support, so you should probably clean up a bit” Roland suggested having come into the now calm kitchen only to look me up and down critically. My hair had completely fallen down and was sticking in curly clumps to my sweaty forehead, my make-up smeared beyond repair from the heavy heat and humidity of the kitchens. I nodded, watching the trays from the main course come back to the kitchen empty and figured I had about thirty minutes until dessert would be served.

            “Okay, I’ll run up and take a quick shower” the large man grumbled deep in his throat, his light brown eyes piercing me with the ‘I’m about to lecture you look’. Great, just what I needed.  “I’ll come with you” He offered, not giving me an opportunity to object. It would have been futile anyways, he would just stalk me if I told him no. 

“Fine.” I grumbled grabbing a cup of coffee from the dessert trays the kitchen was currently prepping and took off upstairs. As soon as the swinging doors of the kitchen closed behind us, Roland started on me.

“You look like hell.” He stated in a matter of fact tone, his long legs keeping up with my fast pace that was almost a run.

“Thanks for those kind words Roland. It’s not like I‘ve been in the kitchens for…” I looked down at my diamond studded watch and winced “two hours.”

“I wasn’t commenting on you current state, but rather the one you have been in for months now.” He remarked, glancing at me when I did not immediately respond.

“I thought you are supposed to be my father’s body guard or something. It’s slightly out of line for you to be making comments about my private life like this don’t you think?” I threw open the doors to my room, only too happy to be in its pure white bliss after such a long day. I’ve been going steadily since five a.m. now and want nothing better than to slip in my redsoft bed. I drank the coffee I had grabbed in one go, burning my throat with the hot liquid.

“Can you help me take this dress off?” I asked Roland who had followed me in, the conversation apparently not done.

“I think I’m more than just a body guard to you Emily.” He commented assuredly, coming up behind me to help me with the dress. I groaned at the comment and spun around right before he could get his hands on the buttons of my dress.

“I’m sorry I gave you the wrong impression Roland, I think it’d be best if you left now.” I commanded impatiently not even having the energy to be upset over the unfortunate miscommunication. Roland rolled his bright eyes and spun me back around with a grin.

“Ms. Emily, I meant I think it’s safe to say we’re friends of sorts, so when I see you’re having a hard time, I’m going to say something.” He backtracked, unbuttoning the dress, slowly fumbling with the small buttons in his large hands.

“I’m not having a hard time Roland. Don’t worry about me.” I told him frowning and wiggling when he accidently touched my back.

“I’ve known you since you were five Emma. You’re not happy. You should be thinking about college and friends. I honestly can’t even say if you think of yourself or your future at all. Don’t you want to experience the world?” I sighed dramatically wanting him to be done lecturing already so I could escape to the shower.

“I don’t have time to think Roland. Or to be unhappy.”

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About Everyrosehasathorn

So I have finished my first book, Every Rose Has a Thorn, which is available on amazon for free if you have an amazon prime membership, or 2.99 otherwise. http://www.amazon.com/Every-Rose-Thorn-Sierra-Halnsoy-ebook/dp/B00EZ8I8VQ/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1406262459&sr=8-2&keywords=every+rose+has+a+thorn This is a book about Emily Rose who is drawn into a battle between angels that want to not only destroy the world and human race, but for some reason want her on their side when they do it! She must learn that doing what is right isn't always easy, especially when you fall in love with a very dangerous angel! View all posts by Everyrosehasathorn

10 responses to “Need thoughts on this section

  • MishaBurnett

    I’m reading this cold, with absolutely no idea of who these people are or what kind of story this is, because I just started following your blog.

    So, from that perspective, it’s a very good scene. I don’t know the household dynamics, but I have a strong feeling that both characters have a definite place in it that they understand and accept. There’s a certain intimate formality, if that makes any sense, that their roles are so well defined that they don’t need to be formal.

    Her misunderstanding of his intentions is a little bit jarring, because they communicate so easily up until that point. However, I’m willing to go along with that because she is evidently much younger than he is, and she seems to be of an age where she’ll see romantic intentions in most attention from men.

    From this segment I like the characters and would like to read more about them. Your narrator’s voice is very natural and conversational. I get the impression that she is in over her head and bravely soldiering on, which gets my sympathy.

    Does that help?

  • agirlnamedepiphany

    Ha ha, I really have absolutely no idea what this is about. But it’s good from what I can see. There’s an interesting bond between Emma and Roland. My brother always said that a good way to find out if a book is good is if you can skip to a random page and still want to know what happens next. I’ll have to find earlier posts to find out what it’s about.
    As for advice. I only saw one grammatical error:
    “Ms. Emily, you’ve been asked to make an appearance after dessert to show your support, so you should probably clean up a bit” should have had a comma after ‘bit’. But of course I wasn’t really looking for grammar errors. The main character didn’t really grab me. Maybe this is just because I jumped in a random part. Anyways, I found the Roland character more grabbing.
    Other than that it was great! The best of luck to you!

    • Everyrosehasathorn

      Thanks, I’ll review Emma’s character, on the first draft I didn’t think she was strong enough, so I made her a little more intense, but in the beginning I made her very bland because she’s supposed to have been repressed, but I don’t want to make her too bland. She gets more personable and dramatic as the story goes on. Thanks for pointing out the grammar issue, I didn’t catch it! I’ve only posted one other part of the story and that’s the very beginning, (Roland’s in that one too.)

  • arunswords

    Since Roland knows Emily from a very young age , (just my opinion) it would be easy for Emma to understand Roland when compared with others.I feel Emily should able to better know Roland’s actions even before he does and please make them drink tea its good for the story and their health (just kidding) 🙂 dont know if the big man is an important character but do make him more crooked if he’s one ! The excerpt is fine

    • Everyrosehasathorn

      They eventually drink tea, it’s a nessesity after all! He’s supposed to know her better than she knows him, and is skeptical of everyone’s intentions because the house she’s in dosn’t really play by normal rules. She has very little trust and later down the road she finds out it was for good reasons!

  • alisonmanson1

    Thanks for following my blog, I’m another one coming into this blind I’m afraid, but I agree with Misha’s comments. Emma seems to be very young and I’m not sure if that is because she actually is young, or because of the repression you mentioned. Both characters are believable though and have the potential to be either likeable or obnoxious which is usually a good sign that it is going to be an interesting story.

  • alisonmanson1

    I would have guessed late teens to early 20’s. Sounds like you have a good idea where the story is going by now, which will help to keep down the editing time at least!

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